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PostPosted: Tue Jan 13, 2015 9:42 am
Sofa King


Posts: 1712
Location: Danville Ca.

Have you heard about the drunk who asked the cabby if he had room for a case of beer and a pizza up front? The cabby said "sure!", so the drunk leaned up and puked all over the front seat.
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Early to bed, Early to rise, fish all day, make up lies
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PostPosted: Sun Jan 18, 2015 12:17 am
Sofa King


Posts: 1712
Location: Danville Ca.

A Blonde girl wanted to go ice fishing.

She'd seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools 
together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino,
 and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. 
She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "IS THAT YOU LORD?"

The voice replied: "NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK"

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Early to bed, Early to rise, fish all day, make up lies
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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2015 8:54 am
Sofa King


Posts: 1712
Location: Danville Ca.

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals ........very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

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PostPosted: Sat Aug 15, 2015 10:56 am
bigunindaboat


Posts: 2758

haha good one Hans!
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I fish, the salt and the sweet.
I hunt the grasslands to the mountains.
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 04, 2015 8:23 am
Sofa King


Posts: 1712
Location: Danville Ca.

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

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Early to bed, Early to rise, fish all day, make up lies
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PostPosted: Sun Mar 13, 2016 6:14 pm
Sofa King


Posts: 1712
Location: Danville Ca.

A husband and wife came for counseling after 35 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

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Early to bed, Early to rise, fish all day, make up lies
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PostPosted: Mon Sep 12, 2016 7:12 pm
Sofa King


Posts: 1712
Location: Danville Ca.

#19 - No matter how much whiskey you've had, you can still Fish.

#18 - You don't have to hide your Fishing magazines.

#17 - It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.

#16 - The Ten Commandments don't say anything against Fishing.

#15 - If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don't have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.

#14 - Your Fishing partner doesn't get upset about people you fished with long ago.

#13 - It's perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.

#12 - When you see a really good Fishing person, you don't have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.

#11 - If your regular Fishing partner isn't available, he/she won't object if you Fish with someone else.

#10 - Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.

#9 - When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.

#8 - You don't have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighbor-hood to buy Fishing stuff.

#7 - You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.

#6 - There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.

#5 - If you want to watch Fishing on television, it does not cost extra, like when you have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.

#4 - Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.

#3 - Nobody expects you to give up Fishing, if your partner loses interest in it.

#2 - You don't have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.

#1 - Your Fishing partner will never say, "Not again? We just Fished last month! Is Fishing all you ever think about?

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Early to bed, Early to rise, fish all day, make up lies
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 06, 2016 3:52 pm
muttfishr


Posts: 2095
Location: Tulare

how do ya get a sweet lil'old 80yr old lady to say the "F" word? Holler out BINGO!...mutt.
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Tight lines to all, and to all a good FIGHT!!!
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